Week 3 and 4 with major fail and major victory [Back on the Wagon Part 6]

Welcome back to the On the Wagon Series. This has been my journey as I get “back on the wagon” after what seems to be almost a year of ups and real downs on my fitness journey.

So last week I almost did a one week recap of week 3 and was all ready to write about how healthy I ate that week. It was Saturday. I was feeling on top of the world. I had made so many good meals, I ate so many great new recipes, and I had avoided fast food.

And then someone mentioned drive through. And at first I resisted, but then, as we drove closer for them to grab food, I began to talk my self down. I could go home and have a smoothie later. I could eat healthy after. So I also go drive through. But then it happened. The guilt. And instead of putting things into perspective, I lost it.

I cried the whole way home. I mean like sobbing, deep chest tightening sadness crying. All over some drive through take out. And I felt humiliated. For crying, for being “such a baby” and for letting myself down and at the same time looking like a lunatic.

And by the time I got home I realized something. It’s not my relationship with food that sabotages me. It’s me endless pursuit of perfection, with no room for error. I make my week a failure on one meal. It’s a slippery hill once I feel like I’ve failed because then I feel like nothing matters after. The week is shot.

So instead of keeping on that slippery slope, I ate the take out. And I forgave myself. And then I had a green smoothie for lunch because I still wanted it.

I started last week the same. I was doing very well. And of course it goes without saying that I had another rough spot this week, one time leaving the store. Cried in the car. But then went home and ate the ice cream and decided that one thing does not determine my whole week.

And my first real victory. I didn’t feel bad about eating ice cream, and I didn’t feel bad about having some pizza and a cocktail. Change starts with forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made before, and allowing yourself to have balance.

And finding balance doesn’t mean I automatically accept every single thing and it’s all of a sudden ok. It’s working through it – and continuing to love myself and working on balance. It’s being so happy with all the choices that make me feel good, but still being ok and learning from the times that I make choices that don’t make me feel well.

The one big victory? After all the small steps I’ve been adopting, including not stepping on the scale…I fit back into pants that were too tight 4 weeks ago. So I don’t know how much weight I’ve lost, or if I lost any at all. But I know this…I’m less bloated, I have better digestion, and I’m learning to love myself. I choose to eat foods because they make me feel good and I know they are good for me – and that makes me happy. And I still eat ice cream. Because I’m finding balance.

So what’s the next step?

I think I’m going to add in drinking tea every single day. That should help with my water consumption as well which I will still be working on this coming week.

So here are the steps so far:

This weeks goals:

Step 1: Set a small achievable goal – eating out only a few times a week [2-3]

Step 2: Step off the scale

Step 3: Dump the bad foods, stock up on the good ones

Step 4: Meal plan and meal prep

Step 5: Drink more water/herbal teas, everyday [including 1 lemon water in the morning]

I decided to just add that to step 5. <– Hydration is something I would like to

Oh and I wanted to share something else. I have stopped calorie tracking and counting. That doesn’t mean I’m not aware of portion sizes. It just means that now, I’m not obsessing and logging 4 oz of grapes and a rice cake. I try to let my stomach tell me when I’m full and I’m still working on loading up on veggies before anything else. I just realized that today, that it’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve logged calories. [Again, I’m aware of the portion sizing of my meals and know an estimate of what I’m eating – but its not consuming my life like before.]

And I count that, as a MAJOR victory. 🙂